I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
