My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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