I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
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My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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