Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
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She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
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I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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