My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
