hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
