He uses pillows to masturbate.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
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