you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
