You're my little dorito
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If that was your dad, he is hot
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
