life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
