He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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