Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
