i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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