you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
