i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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