He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
