i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize