I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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