So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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