I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
