you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
