I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
