Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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