Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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