i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
