He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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