Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
