dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
