dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
