Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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