Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
