Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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