Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
whose ass print is on the piano?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
