I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
