Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
