She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
