I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
