I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
