You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
