Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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