Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
