last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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