Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
