No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
