Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
