I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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