haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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