The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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