Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
