I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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