I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I supernannyed him into submission
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
