Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
