I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
