I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she pinky promised me she was 18
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
