Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
