I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
