Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Pants are for mortals
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
