I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
