even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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