I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
