There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He called his prostate his "boner button".
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
