why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
